We read about fairy tale relationships or best relationship or dream relationship in magazines, books, and popular media. We yearn for the romantic illusion that we can have the same kind of relationship like those we read about.
You want the fairy tale and the best relationship of your life, but you don’t know how to be Cinderella.
So the more pessimistic part of you settles for an unfulfilling relationship, knowing it’s not a perfect one but consoling yourself with the fact that it’s better than nothing.
Are you going to console yourself with a less than perfect relationship or are you going to take control and make your own fairytale happen?
You have read in previous issues how to create the psychology for success through wanting a change, believing change is possible, and taking the challenge to learn and grow.
That theory is all great, but what specific actions can you take right now that is going to make your fairytale or best realtionship a reality?
There are a number of crucial steps and mindsets that you need to consider if you are serious about saving your relationship.
When your relationship is going through a rough patch, it’s easy to look outward for someone to blame.
It may be the financial crisis, his parents, the children, his work habits, anything other than looking inward at how you may have contributed to the unhappy outcome you are currently facing.
Are you really a victim of circumstance? Or are you able to take a more balanced view of events?
Is this what you dreamed your relationship would be like? If you were able to see into the future on your wedding day, is today a day that you would be proud of?
If you are not where you want to be in your life and relationship, consider how your reactions are contributing to the state of your relationship.
Is your unhappiness and unfulfillment tainting your relationship and bringing the mood down?
Are you pushing your loved ones away?
What do you want to get out of your relationship-saving journey?
Do you want to save your relationship?
Do you want to prove who is right and wrong, no matter what the cost?
Do you want to punish your partner?
Do you want your old life back?
Do you want to feel valued and loved?
Do you want to be forgiven?
Do you want to start over and relearn what it takes to live the fairytale?
To make success a reality in your relationship, you have to be very clear about your objectives and outcome.
If you have no clear idea about what you want to have happen as you counsel and communicate your way to a resolution, then your relationship is going to go in circles.
WHAT YOUR VALUES TELL OTHERS
Values and morals are part of who we are. They define your background, your past, and your approach to the challenges that life presents you with.
You may have inherited values from peers, parents, life experience, and social background.
Your values not only define who you are and the way you behave, they tell others about you and your approach to life.
Have you considered what things are important to you and what your values are?
Most women I ask tell me they have values, but struggle to define specifically what they are.
They have a general idea of the things that are important to them, but can be a little unclear on the details.
The reason I ask this is because it’s important to have a very clear idea of what your values are.
If your values tell others something about you, it’s important that the message is clear.
I want you to be very clear about what your values are and what they tell others about you.
If you have been married or in a relationship for a while, chances are your values and the things that are important to you may have changed.
As we evolve in life and our understanding of what it takes to make us happy, so too do our values and goals.
Do you find yourself wanting different things to what you wanted when you first met your partner?
Have your partner’s values changed over time?
Can you identify what your partner’s values are? What is important to the man in your life?
More specifically, are yours or your partner’s values competing with each other?
Is your relationship crisis about one person’s efforts to assert their values over the other?
The key to your relationship success is in negotiating a way forward that takes both of your values into account and preserves your integrity while achieving success.
That means you need to examine your individual values.
A point to remember: You are no longer an individual. You are part of a couple.
I realize that this may sound a little ‘crazy’, so let me explain what I mean.
Part of making the transition from individual to couple involves you letting go of your old life in favor of creating a new one within your relationship.
Re-evaluating and modifying your values is part of this growth process that you are drawn to every day of your relationship or married life.
VISUALIZING YOUR FUTURE
In addition to having a clear outcome, goals and values, it’s necessary to have a clear picture of what you want your future to look like.
It may be a welcoming home, children, a dream job and supporting husband, the enduring love of the man in your life, more time for friends, or a lifestyle that encompasses who you want to be instead of who you currently are.
At any time in your present you should have a picture of what you want your future to be.
This offers you something to work towards. But do you know what this future really looks like?
If you want your dream home, what things are you doing now to help achieve this goal?
If you want to have children, what plans are you making now to facilitate this?
If your dream job is an integral part of your future, what steps are you taking to help it happen?
If you want more support from the man in your life, how are you communicating this need to him?
If you want more friends and a better lifestyle, what actions can you take now to help make this a reality?
It’s important that your vision of your future is clear. It makes it all the easier to aim for.
KEEPING YOUR SPIRITS UP
Having a clear vision of your future is great, but in order to maximize your chances of reaching those goals, it’s important to have a number of smaller goals, milestones, and motivators to keep your energy up on the journey.
It’s no secret that saving a relationship is hard work.
You face your demons, fears, and hurts in order to understand them, heal from them, and reconnect in love.
That’s why it’s important to measure your progress and celebrate it when you reach smaller goals.
As an exercise to help cement this idea, write down a list of goals, both big and small, short-term and long-term.
You can either do this on your own or with your partner.
On another sheet of paper, write down a small thing that you can do to celebrate reaching each goal or milestone.
It may be buying a cupcake, a bottle of wine, giving a hug or kiss, having a bubble bath, splashing out on a pair of shoes, a meal in a favorite restaurant, or simply thanking one another for a job well done.
The important thing is that your journey to success is peppered with goals and milestones and that you have something to celebrate and something to work towards every step of the way.
TAKING THE LEAD
I know you can create the best relationship you’ve ever had.
The fact that you are reading this article indicates that you have the motivation.
All that is required now is the courage to take the lead.
Instead of waiting for him to make the first move, consider how you can empower yourself by being the first to take control of saving your relationship.
Your example may be the one inspiration that causes your partner to reciprocate, and maybe the first step of many on the road to success.